I am not sure what it is about me that makes women want to share their experiences, heartaches, and relationship stories with me. I don’t even have to answer or suggest; they don’t expect me to, but they seem to expect me to listen. And yes, I do listen, because I want to hear their stories so I can go back home, think about them, and write suggestions on my blog on how to help them.
“I had more sex when I was single compared to now that I have been married for 10 years”.
“My husband told me not to touch him. He throws me off the bed when I try anything”.
These are sad and true stories. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. There is an imbalance in a relationship when one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t. Or, one wants it more than the other. With this imbalance, the intimacy crumbles and resentment arises. Sometimes, the ‘way out’ for some people is to cheat.
Identify the physical issues
a. Have a medical check-up.
As men age, their sexual prowess is adversely affected. Men’s issues include impotency and erectile dysfunction. For women, as menopause sets in, there can be vaginal dryness and hormonal imbalance.
To know the issue, I suggest that both partners get a thorough medical check-up. Thanks to modern medicine, most of these health issues can be easily remedied. Hormone replacement therapy or change in medications can cure some of them. When the tests reveal the true situations, the problems can thereafter be correctly addressed.
Most of us don’t give sex-related illnesses the required amount of attention. Instead of seeking medical help, we compare notes with others and even follow their medications or treatment. That is the wrong way of addressing the problem.
b. Keep fit and attractive.
I have to say; we sometimes forget to comb our hair, brush our teeth, or even change our underwear. You may find it funny, but we take it for granted that our partners have seen our worst, so we continue to just be like that–our worst.
“I wake up before my husband does, so I can brush my teeth and comb my hair before he sees me”.
That might be somehow extreme, but she has a point. My husband has always been a butt person, so I made sure my butt remained full and curvy. I do a lot of exercises to maintain it, and it has paid off. He still likes to cup it whenever he passes by me.
c. Go around the physical issues.
When our partner wants it, but we don’t, there are other ways of making him happy. It does not have to always be a full-on sex. Suggest ways to make it up to him.
“How about I give you a great blow job to get you off, and the next time, to make up for tonight, I will let you do your favorite anal.”
As one husband with impotency issues shared, “I love to finger my wife, then I finish her off with a dildo and a lot of kissing,” He doesn’t even need his dick to make his wife happy.
Be creative and imaginative. Experiment with sex toys. There are a million of them out there all made to give happiness and satisfaction.
Connect emotionally with your spouse
For women, if our partner does not want sex, we feel rejected. We feel ugly and fat. We don’t feel loved and we are hurt by the rejection.
For men, it’s more straightforward. When their partner doesn’t want sex, there is no reading between the lines. How each person sees the situation differs and so we react differently. The only way to know and understand how the other is feeling or what he wants is to actually tell him or her.
“Honey, it’s the week before my period and I feel bloated and nauseous. I’m sorry but I am really not up for sex tonight. Can we just cuddle in bed, please?
“I remember how we used to sextext each other at work before we got married. I would go around my office with wet panties whenever we did that.”
When you have a date with your wife tonight, foreplay starts in the morning. As you kiss her before leaving for work, you can playfully nibble on her ears or neck. It practically promises her that there are more sweet bits to come.
The anticipation is sexy. The playfulness and creativity fuels the passion. It also tells your partner that you find her attractive and you can’t wait to love her tonight.
c. Be sensitive to non-verbal signals.
Some women find it hard to express their desire to be fucked. Or they may not even know that their being antsy means they are horny.
“Whenever I see my wife reading one of her romance novels, I know she is looking for some romance herself. I don’t think she even realizes it. Our lovemaking, during the time she is not reading romance, can be rather dry. But on those days, she reads, I notice a different level of passion in her.”
d. Deal with pending issues.
We can’t help it. There really are times we hate our spouses.
“He never helps with the house chores, and I feel like I am the maid, not the wife.”
“My wife thinks I am an ATM machine, nothing else.”
These negative vibes surely kill romance. It even throws love out of the window.
“How can I think of kissing him when I just want to smother him with a pillow?”
These problems need to be communicated and resolved so you can enjoy your relationship. It doesn’t only affect your sex life, but it can even destroy the marriage. Seeking professional help with a psychologist or even a sex therapist can help. Having a third person in the room can make you feel more comfortable when talking, at least your partner will not kill you when there’s a witness around.
Honestly talk about your expectations, not only about sex but also about your marriage. If there is need to compromise on those expectations, then do so with grace.
Keep everyone else out
a. Say no to extra-marital relations.
Marriage is sacred between two people. Sex binds the marriage, so it has to be contained within the marriage.
“My wife cannot even look at my body so I paid someone to look at me and have sex with me.”
The euphoria is temporary. You just used a stranger to define you and boost your ego. She was paid to boost your ego, so of course, she had to do it. But when it’s your wife, there is honesty, there is tact, and there is love.
b. Keep porn out of your bedroom.
“We were both fat and unattractive so the only way to get excited was to watch porn together while having sex.”
Sometimes, hot and senseless sex can be good to the system. But sustaining sex in a marriage will take more than a few seconds of bliss. Since it isn’t just sex but instead making love, there are emotions involved. The best kind of lovemaking is one where you look each other in the eyes, and nothing else exists but the two of you.
Turn off that moaning porn star. She is not your wife so keep her out of the room.
Sex, like marriage, has its tides of ebb and flow. Sometimes it is high, sometimes low. There is no perfect marriage, no perfect sex. Both takes time and practice.
When you and your spouse have an intimate, honest, and loving relationship, sex naturally follows. When there is love, we want to make our partner happy. So, find that love again and again.