I should preface by saying that this is not going to be a justification of my infidelity, there are a myriad of reasons why someone strays from their marriage, and an equally diverse reaction. Some of you will find my behaviour morally abhorrent, others will empathise, some will be actively considering cheating themselves, and it is the latter group this article is written for, those who have the desire to seek fulfilment beyond the confines of a monogamous relationship, but find the practicality a challenge.
The reasons behind my personal circumstances for cheating are complex, suffice to say I do not hide from the reality of the situation, I did not have an office romance which went too far, or stray into a grey area which I could emotionally justify through some imaginative cognitive dissonance, I consciously and deliberately set out to have an affair. I may, at a later date, delve into the rationale behind my decision, but presently, I am sticking purely to the practicalities; this may seem callous, but then life often is.
Should you be considering infidelity for the first time, I urge you to be equally honest with yourselves, you cannot undo your actions or their subsequent emotional toll, and whilst you can minimise risks, you cannot ever completely mitigate them; understand the potential consequences of your actions and accept them as a possibility. Preaching over, now to the guide.
An affair requires significant emotional and intellectual energy. Finding an appropriate partner, is critical to ensuring your investment yields appropriate return, and whilst sounding rather transactional, it is important to fully understand why the person you choose, has in turn chosen you to embark on an affair with. Whilst appreciating the irony, I am fully of the opinion that you should be upfront and honest with potential partners; many are not, and deceive others into bed through subterfuge, and if all you desire is a single night of passion, then this may work. If, however, you seek something a little more durable, and the type of sex which only occurs through genuine mental and physical connection, then lying about your marital status from the outset may well invoke retaliatory behaviours which you should avoid at all costs. No one wants to wake up at 2am with the personification of vengeance attempting to break down your front door.
The practical considerations around finding a partner are, in fact, not difficult once the commitment to cheat is established. Those who consider an affair but hope that it will evolve from some chance meeting in the supermarket or within the office, will seldom find what they seek. Aside from the inherent danger in forming a relationship close to your personal circle, such as the office, a friend of the family, or god forbid one of your kids’ friend’s parents, these rarely come to fruition, and even if they do, the potential for tearing many lives apart should your indiscretion be discovered is material. Those who end up going down this particularly ruinous route do so since they cannot admit to themselves their true desires; once you have overcome this, and have committed yourself to an extra-marital relationship, then the practical considerations are distilled into those options facing people seeking a regular relationship: Tinder, OKCupid, Feeld or any other digital platform designed for two (or more) people to liaise.
Once you have made the mental leap into committing adultery, then it is time to consider security. With connected devices, iCloud, location tracking and so on, avoiding a digital footprint is paramount. I shall describe my personal setup, modify or enhance as you see fit. For some this may seem like overkill, however it has served me well to date, and allows me to sleep at night.
Marvellous as I think the iPhone is, it is a veritable catastrophe when it comes to privacy. Don’t use your personal phone for any seeking, communicating or otherwise subversive behaviour you don’t want discovered. Get a new phone. Most people have an old phone lying around from a previous upgrade, or pick up a cheap smartphone for as little as £100 – this may seem a lot to some, but divorce proceedings are far more expensive. Buy the phone in cash, buy a pre-paid SIM in cash – top up the SIM in cash – you now have an untraceable phone; hide it well, password protect it, prevent notifications appearing on the lock screen. The only circumstance I would use my personal phone is to slave Telegram, my communications app of choice, to the burner phone. Telegram can be separately password protected, hidden and your personal number never revealed – download the app for more information.
Now all that leaves to be done is creating your “dating” profile. Include a picture, I prefer a neck down shot of me wearing something smart; treat the photo as a genuine advert for yourself – no blurred selfies wearing a stained t-shirt. Write a bio, a little about yourself, be clear that you are married, you may think this will put people off, and that’s good. You will still attract attention, but generally from the type of person who wants a married lover. Curiously I have only ever received abuse twice from this approach, from those who fit into the “you’re morally abhorrent” category, and in both cases rather than ignore and block, I engaged them in conversation. In both cases we parted with a better understanding of each other and on more amicable turns, but I digress.
Next on your digital security list is finances, never leave a paper trail. For this you have two options, either a separate credit card, paperless, i.e. no statements delivered to your door, and one which won’t attract suspicion should the direct debit be taken from the main account each month. Alternatively, and for total security, get a pre-paid credit card which you top up in cash. Whilst it is tempting to rely on cash for all transactions, sometimes this just isn’t practical, for example should you be buying online for enhancements to your sexual pursuits.
You are now connected, financed, and most importantly, anonymous.
Building and maintaining the relationship
Where I am going to be of little use to you is in the area of forming a relationship. Taking the aforementioned steps will get you some potential partners for an affair, pursuing these and building a relationship is down to you; personality, attractiveness, and other human attributes are personal to yourself, however if you’re reading this guide, presumably you’ve managed to form at least one once meaningful relationship. That aside, be yourself, be normal, talk to the person as if they are another human being, which they are; overly aggressive sexual suggestion or unsolicited candid photos from the outset will not serve you well.
Once established, physically liaising with your newfound partner will present the final hurdle. Some of us, myself included, are lucky enough to have jobs where my whereabouts are ambiguous and untracked, and working from home a possibility, hence disappearing offline for a few hours is hardly noticed. Evening and weekend liaisons require more planning, and the key to this is to ensure you don’t establish new patterns of behaviour suddenly which may arouse suspicion. Start that evening course / gym membership / other reason to be out of the house now, then when the time comes, you can skip the extra-curricular activities and have a more fulfilling few hours to yourself without questions being asked. So far as venues for your infidelity goes, hotels are by far the safest bet, and dayuse.com appears designed for affairs for a cost effective, mid-week dalliance.
Mentally and emotionally you will have to be prepared for the aftermath of your behaviour; if you are going to be racked by guilt and look like the proverbial rabbit caught in headlights when you return from your activities, you’ll soon be found out. Mentally rehearse your cover story of where you’ve been, who you’ve seen, and a couple of meaningless anecdotes from the evening. Be prepared to shift entirely back into your usual persona upon resumption of normal life, much as you’d like to dwell on the afternoon or evening’s entertainment, don’t. Put it out of your mind and reminisce when you have time and space to yourself.
I opened by saying that much of this will appear particularly caddish, and I assume many of you will instinctively loathe me for my actions. I am comfortable with that, though for most people who stray outside of their marriage, the story runs deeper, this is worth bearing in mind before casting judgement. I sincerely hope it won’t be, but one day you may be in a similar situation.